Nonviolence and the OWS

We certainly are living in interesting, challenging, and exciting times. One of the issues igniting this excitement is the Occupy Movement. While there is tremendous and lively debate around the Occupy Wall Street movement and whether or not it is having an impact, the very fact that so many are talking about the movement and the issues of economic inequality, corporate domination and take over in politics, and the bailouts of banks at the expense of meeting the basic needs of the most vulnerable, highlights that the movement is indeed having an impact.

For more than five weeks there has been a sustained and elevated conversation within this country and around the world that the current way our country has been doing business is not ultimately sustainable for the vast majority of people on this planet. The cracks in the system have been exposed and it appears that the system is on the verge of breaking and it's up to all of us to shape whether or not we just fill the cracks, as has been done before, or if we imagine and create a just and sustainable system that works for everyone- what Martin Luther King Jr. referred to as the beloved community.

One of my favorite authors and speakers, Marianne Williamson, has been visiting with many Occupy sites around the country sharing with them her perspective how we have ended up here, and ways in which we might choose to move forward. In her most recent talk, which is posted below, she shares her vision of making sure the movement incorporates the principles of nonviolence from King and Gandhi to support a bold, beautiful, and powerful movement of change. A quote that has been circulating around in relation to this movement from Gandhi is "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." It appears we are at the "then they fight you" stage. I believe how we collectively respond to this fight will shape what within the next few months and years we will ultimately give birth to as a nation.

For those who are familiar with nonviolent philosophy, Marianne's talk will just be an inspirational refresher. For those newer to the ideas, you're in for a treat--Marianne is a gifted communicator and shares the philosophy beautifully. The principles are posted below in written form as well.

Marianne's talk on OWS

Joint (Gandhi-King) Principles of Nonviolence

“At the center of non-violence is the principle of love”. - M. L. King

- Nonviolence means to honor the inherent worth of every human being. In NV
we naturally seek to understand each other, build friendship and community.

- Nonviolence means believing that our lives are linked together, that what we do impacts the lives of everyone we encounter. That, we are responsible to and for one another. That we can trust one another and work toward the common good.

- Nonviolence means dedicating ourselves to the fundamental rights of every human being (justice, equity, equality).

- Nonviolence is courageously choosing to practice compassion with our adversaries. We oppose injustice, not people.

- Nonviolence means recognizing love as the power of the human spirit to triumph over injustice, inequity, suffering - a true hero’s journey of personal-social change.

Martin Luther King’s Principles of Nonviolence

"The aftermath of violence is tragic bitterness, while the aftermath
of nonviolence is the beloved community." – M.L. King Jr.

1. Nonviolence is a way of life for courageous people.

2. Nonviolence seeks to win friendship and understanding.

3. Nonviolence seeks to defeat injustice, not people.

4. Nonviolence holds that suffering for a cause can educate
and transform.

5. Nonviolence chooses love instead of hate.

6. Nonviolence holds that the universe is on the side of justice
and that right will eventually prevail.

Difficult conversations

I have had a number of super challenging conversations over the course of the last few days. As always, the conversations seem to catch me by surprise and I am reminded that I must be in a centered place full of compassion for myself and others, or else my conversations and interactions with others can quickly spiral out of control. My lesson this week is to remember that my default response to others is usually defensiveness, which often leads me quickly trying to find a solution to the conflict. I am gently reminding myself, as I process these past interactions, that not everything is about me. I need to remember that many people need to be heard first before any possible solutions can be brought forth. I also realized that I need more patience, which will allow me to be able to give others space to be angry and upset without me having to do anything about it.

Just playing around

One instance this week was when I approached a group of customers outside of my workplace who were playing around pretty rough with each other. I could tell that they were joking around, and yet there something about the "play" that was still dangerous. My fears were confirmed when I saw two of them on the ground in what appeared to be a physical hold/restraint. As the person in the restraint got up I saw several people picking on him, pulling his hair and verbally jabbing him.

At first I asked what was going on, and they said something along the lines of "nothing", and that they were just joking around with their "brother". I said that even if they were joking around I wanted them to please stop. They acted as if they didn't hear my request and continued to advance with the play. I stated again that even if what they were doing was play, that if they were hanging out in front of our business they would need stop what they were doing. I repeated that I had already asked for them to stop. At this point they began to argue and say things such as "who are you" "you can't tell us what to do" and "what are you some kind of manager" and "staff in the past have let us play around like this"....

I said that it didn't matter who I was, all that mattered is that they stopped the aggressive play anywhere near our organization. I also said that we had to keep the area outside peaceful. I bit the hook! I realized all through the conversation that I was engaged in a power struggle with them and I couldn't find a way out. It was at this point our local street security patrol came by and asked if I needed anything. The group dispersed while I was talking with the patrol (part of me was relieved, and the other part was saddened that I wasn't able to connect with them in a real authentic way).

What I realized afterwards is that I had to get out of the power struggle with them. I could have began by asking "Is everything o.k." to the person who was being picked on and then proceeded to say to the others "It seems like you all are playing around, but even that kind of play is to aggressive to happen out here. I am concerned that someone could get hurt and it can also lead to more serious play that ends up turning into violence". I could have also continued to say "I want you all to be able to hang out here today, but it needs to be kept peaceful".

I could have also listened more when when people were challenging my authority. Rather than respond defensively, I could have responded to what I think the underlining theme is, which is their autonomy. It doesn't feel good to be constantly told what to do, where you can be, or what you can/can't say, and often times as staff members we are in the role of asking people to change something or do something to support the safe functioning of our community. I could have responded then by saying something like "I know it doesn't feel good to be constantly told what you can or can't do here. I want us to work together to make sure the space outside and inside works for everyone. It's my job to keep it safe and peaceful for everyone, and I need your help, can you help me with this?" I wonder if saying it like that might invite them as partners rather than keeping us as adversaries.

This is a group of people who are constantly being controlled, harassed, and who have been through some serious BS in their life. The last thing I want to do is add more stress or do more harm to them. I want to support them and love them and create an awesome space for them to hang out and live their lives freely and fully.

You're not doing anything

Today I had a person come in to check their mail. When I got their mail I asked them if they knew that we were stopping our mail service beginning in June. They replied back that they did not know it, but they were glad and hoped that we were stopping all of our supposed "activism" work too and just sticking to our cafe work. I didn't really have time to reply before this person went off on a tangent about all the things we were not doing and was pretty humiliating in their critique of our organization and employees. At first I tried to be present and listen to the core issues the person was raising, but it was really hard as there were others coming in and out who needed my attention to sign them up for services. Eventually though, I made a statement that it seemed like he was pretty angry and frustrated about his experience. He then confirmed that and added to it. I think by doing that though it gave him some more fuel to go off again. Eventually I asked him some questions just to get clarity, but as soon as I started to ask questions I realized that I was feeling defensive in response to his assumptions and accusations. Rather than responding to him in that moment I could have said that I wanted to talk with him more but was unable to be fully present with him in that moment due to my other responsibilities. This way I could have prepared more mentally while staying in my heart.

What I ended up doing was trying to "educate" him on what we were doing while also challenging him about not being active. At one point I also said he wasn't listening and that I couldn't talk or engage in conversation if he wasn't willing to listen, afterwards he walked off.

I have had plenty of time to reflect on this conversation and feel as though a better approach I could have taken would have been to spend more time affirming him and then asking if he wanted to talk more in depth about what we are doing currently to be more proactive and efficient. I feel as though so much of where he was coming from was hurt and frustration about the past and something that we could have shared was hope and aspirations for the future. For example I could have said "It seems like you had some bad experiences with our past organizing work and your feeling upset and frustrated by those experiences. It also sounds like to me that you really want us to be doing more for the community and want to be a part of a group that takes action on the issues you care about". I could have checked in to see if that was all true, and taken time to affirm whatever his response was. I could have then said that I too have been frustrated with groups I have participated in, and at times I have even been frustrated with this group. I could have said that I too want to be a part of a group that takes action and work towards achieving justice and freedom for the community. I could have explained that I am hopeful about some of the new directions we are taking, and while it may not be fully what he is looking for, they were some positive steps towards making our community a better place.

I could have invited him to give us another chance and asked him to support us during this time of transition. I also could have asked that if he has challenges to our work, or believes that we are not doing our jobs well to definitely bring it up, but encourage him to bring it up in loving and respectful way. I also could have spent time listening more to the issues he felt were important that we work on and seeing if I could help him think of other groups that might be more able and/or interested in supporting him in taking on those issues.

I am not sure if any of that would have made a difference to him, but I think that it would have kept me in a more loving and open place which could have shifted all of his responses as well. I hope to see this person again and have another chance to listen.

Monsters

I recently attended a training on gender oppression that focused primarily on the issues of gender identity and gender expression. The presentation was great and gave me a lot to think about. To me the issue is super complex and I will continue to process it and forge ahead to make the world safe for everyone to be fully who they are and who they want to be, whatever that means to them.

What I am reflecting on the most right now was my reaction to the presenter and the way in which this person used some language to describe others that felt pretty humiliating and dehumanizing to me. The entire presentation rocked till about the last three slides of the PowerPoint training. This is when the presenter started calling people names such as this person is a "monster" this person is a "nut". There were other names that were said, but really it made me (and later I discovered others) really uncomfortable. I asked a friend if they felt if it was o.k. for me to talk to this person about their choice of language to describe people they disagreed with and they encouraged me to do so. I went up and told the person that I really enjoyed the presentation and that I had some feedback I would like to offer, especially since we wanted to bring this person back for additional trainings in the future. They responded affirmatively to me that they would love to hear the feedback so I went on to say how as an organization we operated from a nonviolent philosophy, which for us means non-humiliation of anyone. I went on to state that the last few slides in which they labeled people with names such as "monster" didn't fit with how we view people and asked that in the future to please refrain from using language like that to describe others. I continued with that as best as we can, we try to speak to the behavior while remembering that none of us are our worst behaviors.

This person responded pretty well by stating that they were sorry to offend us (if that is what happened) and that they could tailor the session for us in anyway we needed it to be. They then went on to say that they felt that what "these people" do is the equivalent of child abuse and so it's hard not to call them out. I said that I understand having anger at the actions they take in the world, and said that absolutely we must work to stop them from harming others. I said though that we believe that the only way we can do that is through relationship building and seeking solutions to our issues that do not create an "us vs them" mentality.

I went on to say that some of the people who were called monsters in the presentation are very similiar to my parents and other members of my family, in terms of beliefs. I continued to say that while some things they do are hurtful and harmful, they are far from monsters. I wasn't able to really dive into much more on the topic. I could tell this person was closed to me at some point. They commented that they didn't have hope that "these people" could change. What I wish I could have said is that often times that's not even the point of nonviolence, it's really about us not becoming bitter and angry and contributing more violence to an already out of control web of violence. I strongly believe that when we demonize others we continue the cycle of violence, becoming the very thing that we're speaking out against, only another form.

I think that if we can be at peace with those who are doing harm, even great injustices, and stay focused on speaking out against their actions, while still having compassion for them, then we will sustain ourselves in this long struggle for peace and justice in the world. I think then too, that if we do not have enemies, that our vision will be more appealing. If the people whose actions we are speaking out against, are constantly told that they are monsters, or evil, then I think we often times give them permission to remain separated from us, and from the results of their actions. Nonviolence, in our hearts, words, and deeds, invites others into community and cooperation.

At some point in the conversation this person said something along the lines of "well you are just more evolved then me". It wasn't said out of defensiveness, or to shut me down, I don't think. I do however think that comments like that take away our power while allowing us not to take responsibility for the seeds of violence we plant in our daily lives. In this case, that comment allows this person to justify violence against those who they feel are harming a community they care deeply about. It creates this exchange that in order for me to feel safe, I must make you unsafe, or encourage a climate that makes it unsafe for you to exist.

I firmly believe that when it comes to issues like oppression and justice, the weight of hate and of oppression is far to great a burden to bear to keep it up for to long. It makes us sick as individuals and as a culture. I fully embrace the idea and the practice that if we are as committed to love as others are to hate the world will be a different place. That means we all must love with all our hearts, even those who do us harm. Even if we don't think it'll make a difference on them, it will on us.

Freezing up with the F-BOMB

I was on my way to work this morning on the train and had to get up from seat at some point because a person next to me was coughing all over me (literally, I could see pieces of the cough projecting towards me). I got up and sat next to a group of what must have been middle school kids. They were being kids and were generally decent kids doing what kids do until I started hearing some of the guys start calling each other faggots. Someone, I am assuming their teacher, said something to them like "stop that now" with barely any conviction--like she had to do it but deep down she didn't really care (my assumption).

Usually in this situation I would get up and leave and be pissed about it. I didn't pause or center myself, I just blurted out something like "You're being ridiculous" to the kids--not really the most productive or nonviolent thing I could say. All day long I've thought about what I could have said and all sorts of things came up for me. I thought about who I was when I was that age and how being called that word would have crushed me (and often did). I thought about all the times I wanted to kill myself for hating who I was and for fearing how my family and my god would react if they knew who I was. I felt sorry for boys and for men in our culture who resort to shaming and humiliating each other and who are unable to connect to each other and the world around them in authentic ways. Most of all I felt angry that I was unable to say anything that allowed me to share the impact of their words on the people around them, for I know that if I wanted to stand up and say something then there were likely others sitting by (maybe even one of those boys) who were even more afraid, or who are silenced with the weight that word carries.

I hope that as I continue to study and practice that I can do better each time something like this happens, since it seems to happen a lot to me. I don't know if this is because I am just paying attention more, or if it's because I am wanting to learn nonviolence at a deep level and the Universe is giving me chances to practice. I thought later in the day that what I could have said was "Guys, I am not sure what that word means to you, or if you are saying it to humiliate each other or are just joking around, but I wanted to let you know that word is hurtful to many people including me it's not a funny thing to say, it's not right to say, and there is no need to degrade another person. There is too much hate, violence, and meanness in the world and you can do better, we all can, to stop it". I thought of other variations of that too. I go back and forth of how much to say, or what to say. I also thought of some shorter things like "What does that word mean to you" just to ask a question, or "When I heard you use that word I feel angry and upset because that word has been used to hurt many people I love and care about and I want a community where everyone is treated with kindness and respect" That last one is a tough one, because it's true, but I also know that most people (or I assume) would not care about how I feel. Sometimes though I think it's good to just say these things anyway, because just as they can drop their f-bombs and wage their violence, I can wage love and drop a love bomb all over them. :)

Communication without humiliation

I have studied and have used several different forms of nonviolent communication. I find it's useful to have several tools that I can pull from my "belt" when the need arises. I find it super challenging when in crises mode to use a "method" and in many cases resist many of the methods because I don't want to come across as disingenuous. However, I find that practicing them, reading them, and incorporating the essence of them is extremely helpful.

The main ones I have studied have been Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication and Sharon Ellison's Powerful Non-defensive Communication both of which provide pretty different styles, which I appreciate because I do not think one method works for all situations.

I recently came across this method from Pace e Bene which tries to synthesize both of these methods and I think their attempt works, although it isn't really easy to remember if you are in a conflict. I think it can be helpful to analyze past conflicts or to help you prepare for a difficult conversation beforehand.

Mostly I rely on something that Pema Chodron has written in her books before, which is to allow space before you react to something, allowing yourself to be taken out of habitual thinking/action which then allows room for something new, fresh, and surprising to emerge. It is no guarantee that it will work, but chances are if you are not in automatic pilot mode, you will be more conscious to say and do things that are more loving and humane.

I am reminded of a quote, the origins of which I do not recall that goes something like "violence is a failure of imagination" and the space we give between what someone says or does to us (or others) before we react allows room for imagination to spark new realities into being. At all times the object of conversation is to bring people together rather than to wedge them further a part. It also means being committed to thinking outside of the "win/lose" box of communicating with others. There doesn't have to be a loser or a winner.

My work place uses some helpful guidelines for our meetings which I think can be applied to any conversation and that I think distills the core tenants of nonviolence really well:

Say what you need to say without humiliating anyone
Use I statements and be nonjudgmental
Don't make assumptions, ask for clarification

Also closely connected to this is that if you do need to challenge someone and hold them accountable for something they have said or done, you do this remembering their sacredness and speak to the behavior, not the person, remembering none of us are our worst behaviors and that they are someone who is just having a bad moment/bad day.

Conflict can be such a transformative experience if we approach it in a way that invites authentic relationship building. Learning to peacefully work through conflict and to engage lovingly and with compassion through our speech with others can prevent outbreaks of "war" within ourselves and our community.

We can't avoid most conflicts in our life, but we can control how we react to them. Another really helpful book that speaks to this is one I recently read "Anatomy Of Peace" which has the central premise that you cannot work for peace with a heart at war, and gives concrete ways to work towards a peaceful heart to approach any situation, person, or conversation. I read it once and plan to re-read it several times.

Hope this is helpful!

Another Board Assignment

As a follow up to the conversation I had with our Board the other night I asked some follow up questions for self reflection (based on the first two article from Coleman McCarthy's Class on Nonviolence):

What are some ways in which I can begin to address the violence within me?

What are the ways the Board can support staff in addressing the many manifestations of violence (direct, cultural, and systemic)?

How does the broader and more inclusive definition of violence impact the way I understand my work with this organization)?

What tools do I need to incorporate nonviolence more fully into my personal and professional life?

What kind of internal work would I need to do to be willing to take on “voluntary redemptive suffering” for the causes I believe in?


The next set of articles I am asking them to read are: Nonviolent Response to Assault, Human Nature Isn’t Inherently Violent, and Axioms of Nonviolence all of which are listed in the previous link if you want to follow along.


I plan to have a more focused conversation next time using the following questions as a guide:

What are your typical responses when you feel threatened by others? How have they worked for you in the past?

How has violence worked in your life, and what have been the unintended consequences?

How has nonviolence worked?

How do you feel about the statement that humans are naturally violent? What does your experience teach you? Does it have to be this way?

What is justice? Are there ways to hold people accountable without resorting to an eye for eye justice? What would that look like?

I can't wait to hear from them what they think! How about you?

The things we do (or don't)

I was walking with a colleague of mine back to our office after we had just left our weekly check-in over coffee and tea. It was such a pleasant afternoon and we were soaking in the sun, slowly walking back to finish off our work day. As we came close to our office, we passed by this group of four guys and we both smiled at them, saying hi with our eyes and a wave. As we walked away one of them made a comment about my friend that was humiliating and sexist. I found the comment to be pretty offensive, and I could tell my friend was very uncomfortable by the exchange as well. I continued to walk with her to her office and as we walked I was unable to focus on anything else and I kept wondering if I should let it go, or go back and talk to the guy who made the comment.

I walked back in that direction and I knew several of the guys around him, some of them were drinking, and talking to him in front of the whole group that was intoxicated felt pretty unsafe to me. I didn't know what I was going to say yet and I had the "fight or flight" feeling in my gut so anything I said would come out as rambling anyway, so I went back inside to cool off and think, and get centered if I could.

Shortly after I went inside I noticed that all the guys were getting up and the guy who made the comment stayed back, it was then that I knew in my heart that I had to go out and say something to him, and so I did. I asked another male colleague of mine to support me and he stayed back as to not intimidate the guy as I approached him. I went up and asked him how we was doing and he apprehensively checked me out and said he was fine. I told him I wanted to talk to him and asked if he would sit down with me (I didn't want us standing as I intuitively felt that would be a mistake and lead to aggression) he agreed to sit down. I asked a few more questions to put him at ease (and myself) and then got to the point. I said a few minutes ago a friend and I walked by and you made some comments about her that made both of us feel uncomfortable. I know you probably did not mean to hurt her, and in fact you probably thought you were paying her a compliment, but for many people it makes them feel unsafe to be objectified like that. If you are hanging out here (or anywhere really) and want to be nice, just smile and say hi to people, and that is a pretty safe and friendly thing to do that allows everyone to be respected and feel valued. He apologized and said he would not do it again. We shook hands and he kept on apologizing for his actions. I felt pretty good about the exchange. It felt like I was able to to connect to his humanness and he seemed to really understand me and where I was coming from. It felt like a real and loving interaction where neither one of us attacked each other nor humiliated each other.

I learned a lot about myself (as I always do when I interrupt violence) and this was one of the first times I didn't walk away feeling bad, or questioning what I said (second guessing). It did prompt me to consider why I chose to say something this time and yet many times I let violence such as sexism go unchecked. For example several weeks ago I was on the train and I over heard a conversation between a group of guys in which the whole time they were demeaning women with very humiliating names and expressions. I didn't say anything because I felt unsafe, but because I didn't say anything I felt disempowered and allowed their hurtful behavior to go unchallenged (not to mention I basically gave my consent to allow every one else on the train to be exposed to their violence).

I also remember two months ago two older guys were harassing a younger gay guy, and eventually began making comments about me as well and rather than address the issue and confront them, I walked up and sat elsewhere, feeling bad that I didn't say anything. This sort of thing happens all the time to me, how about you?

My new rule is that if I know I am going to feel bad about it later then I must speak up in some way and not let the violence go unchecked. I have faith that if I can speak to the behavior and not the person and speak truth with love, then I can create peace and help to end the violence occurring around me, without allowing myself to participate in it by doing nothing (silence = consent). The more of us that stand up to this and all forms of violence the less acceptable it will be for people to treat others as objects rather than as people.

Anyone have an experience like this in which you knew you should say something but didn't, or did you speak up? Either way, what was the result?

Love to you!