Monsters

I recently attended a training on gender oppression that focused primarily on the issues of gender identity and gender expression. The presentation was great and gave me a lot to think about. To me the issue is super complex and I will continue to process it and forge ahead to make the world safe for everyone to be fully who they are and who they want to be, whatever that means to them.

What I am reflecting on the most right now was my reaction to the presenter and the way in which this person used some language to describe others that felt pretty humiliating and dehumanizing to me. The entire presentation rocked till about the last three slides of the PowerPoint training. This is when the presenter started calling people names such as this person is a "monster" this person is a "nut". There were other names that were said, but really it made me (and later I discovered others) really uncomfortable. I asked a friend if they felt if it was o.k. for me to talk to this person about their choice of language to describe people they disagreed with and they encouraged me to do so. I went up and told the person that I really enjoyed the presentation and that I had some feedback I would like to offer, especially since we wanted to bring this person back for additional trainings in the future. They responded affirmatively to me that they would love to hear the feedback so I went on to say how as an organization we operated from a nonviolent philosophy, which for us means non-humiliation of anyone. I went on to state that the last few slides in which they labeled people with names such as "monster" didn't fit with how we view people and asked that in the future to please refrain from using language like that to describe others. I continued with that as best as we can, we try to speak to the behavior while remembering that none of us are our worst behaviors.

This person responded pretty well by stating that they were sorry to offend us (if that is what happened) and that they could tailor the session for us in anyway we needed it to be. They then went on to say that they felt that what "these people" do is the equivalent of child abuse and so it's hard not to call them out. I said that I understand having anger at the actions they take in the world, and said that absolutely we must work to stop them from harming others. I said though that we believe that the only way we can do that is through relationship building and seeking solutions to our issues that do not create an "us vs them" mentality.

I went on to say that some of the people who were called monsters in the presentation are very similiar to my parents and other members of my family, in terms of beliefs. I continued to say that while some things they do are hurtful and harmful, they are far from monsters. I wasn't able to really dive into much more on the topic. I could tell this person was closed to me at some point. They commented that they didn't have hope that "these people" could change. What I wish I could have said is that often times that's not even the point of nonviolence, it's really about us not becoming bitter and angry and contributing more violence to an already out of control web of violence. I strongly believe that when we demonize others we continue the cycle of violence, becoming the very thing that we're speaking out against, only another form.

I think that if we can be at peace with those who are doing harm, even great injustices, and stay focused on speaking out against their actions, while still having compassion for them, then we will sustain ourselves in this long struggle for peace and justice in the world. I think then too, that if we do not have enemies, that our vision will be more appealing. If the people whose actions we are speaking out against, are constantly told that they are monsters, or evil, then I think we often times give them permission to remain separated from us, and from the results of their actions. Nonviolence, in our hearts, words, and deeds, invites others into community and cooperation.

At some point in the conversation this person said something along the lines of "well you are just more evolved then me". It wasn't said out of defensiveness, or to shut me down, I don't think. I do however think that comments like that take away our power while allowing us not to take responsibility for the seeds of violence we plant in our daily lives. In this case, that comment allows this person to justify violence against those who they feel are harming a community they care deeply about. It creates this exchange that in order for me to feel safe, I must make you unsafe, or encourage a climate that makes it unsafe for you to exist.

I firmly believe that when it comes to issues like oppression and justice, the weight of hate and of oppression is far to great a burden to bear to keep it up for to long. It makes us sick as individuals and as a culture. I fully embrace the idea and the practice that if we are as committed to love as others are to hate the world will be a different place. That means we all must love with all our hearts, even those who do us harm. Even if we don't think it'll make a difference on them, it will on us.