Difficult conversations

I have had a number of super challenging conversations over the course of the last few days. As always, the conversations seem to catch me by surprise and I am reminded that I must be in a centered place full of compassion for myself and others, or else my conversations and interactions with others can quickly spiral out of control. My lesson this week is to remember that my default response to others is usually defensiveness, which often leads me quickly trying to find a solution to the conflict. I am gently reminding myself, as I process these past interactions, that not everything is about me. I need to remember that many people need to be heard first before any possible solutions can be brought forth. I also realized that I need more patience, which will allow me to be able to give others space to be angry and upset without me having to do anything about it.

Just playing around

One instance this week was when I approached a group of customers outside of my workplace who were playing around pretty rough with each other. I could tell that they were joking around, and yet there something about the "play" that was still dangerous. My fears were confirmed when I saw two of them on the ground in what appeared to be a physical hold/restraint. As the person in the restraint got up I saw several people picking on him, pulling his hair and verbally jabbing him.

At first I asked what was going on, and they said something along the lines of "nothing", and that they were just joking around with their "brother". I said that even if they were joking around I wanted them to please stop. They acted as if they didn't hear my request and continued to advance with the play. I stated again that even if what they were doing was play, that if they were hanging out in front of our business they would need stop what they were doing. I repeated that I had already asked for them to stop. At this point they began to argue and say things such as "who are you" "you can't tell us what to do" and "what are you some kind of manager" and "staff in the past have let us play around like this"....

I said that it didn't matter who I was, all that mattered is that they stopped the aggressive play anywhere near our organization. I also said that we had to keep the area outside peaceful. I bit the hook! I realized all through the conversation that I was engaged in a power struggle with them and I couldn't find a way out. It was at this point our local street security patrol came by and asked if I needed anything. The group dispersed while I was talking with the patrol (part of me was relieved, and the other part was saddened that I wasn't able to connect with them in a real authentic way).

What I realized afterwards is that I had to get out of the power struggle with them. I could have began by asking "Is everything o.k." to the person who was being picked on and then proceeded to say to the others "It seems like you all are playing around, but even that kind of play is to aggressive to happen out here. I am concerned that someone could get hurt and it can also lead to more serious play that ends up turning into violence". I could have also continued to say "I want you all to be able to hang out here today, but it needs to be kept peaceful".

I could have also listened more when when people were challenging my authority. Rather than respond defensively, I could have responded to what I think the underlining theme is, which is their autonomy. It doesn't feel good to be constantly told what to do, where you can be, or what you can/can't say, and often times as staff members we are in the role of asking people to change something or do something to support the safe functioning of our community. I could have responded then by saying something like "I know it doesn't feel good to be constantly told what you can or can't do here. I want us to work together to make sure the space outside and inside works for everyone. It's my job to keep it safe and peaceful for everyone, and I need your help, can you help me with this?" I wonder if saying it like that might invite them as partners rather than keeping us as adversaries.

This is a group of people who are constantly being controlled, harassed, and who have been through some serious BS in their life. The last thing I want to do is add more stress or do more harm to them. I want to support them and love them and create an awesome space for them to hang out and live their lives freely and fully.

You're not doing anything

Today I had a person come in to check their mail. When I got their mail I asked them if they knew that we were stopping our mail service beginning in June. They replied back that they did not know it, but they were glad and hoped that we were stopping all of our supposed "activism" work too and just sticking to our cafe work. I didn't really have time to reply before this person went off on a tangent about all the things we were not doing and was pretty humiliating in their critique of our organization and employees. At first I tried to be present and listen to the core issues the person was raising, but it was really hard as there were others coming in and out who needed my attention to sign them up for services. Eventually though, I made a statement that it seemed like he was pretty angry and frustrated about his experience. He then confirmed that and added to it. I think by doing that though it gave him some more fuel to go off again. Eventually I asked him some questions just to get clarity, but as soon as I started to ask questions I realized that I was feeling defensive in response to his assumptions and accusations. Rather than responding to him in that moment I could have said that I wanted to talk with him more but was unable to be fully present with him in that moment due to my other responsibilities. This way I could have prepared more mentally while staying in my heart.

What I ended up doing was trying to "educate" him on what we were doing while also challenging him about not being active. At one point I also said he wasn't listening and that I couldn't talk or engage in conversation if he wasn't willing to listen, afterwards he walked off.

I have had plenty of time to reflect on this conversation and feel as though a better approach I could have taken would have been to spend more time affirming him and then asking if he wanted to talk more in depth about what we are doing currently to be more proactive and efficient. I feel as though so much of where he was coming from was hurt and frustration about the past and something that we could have shared was hope and aspirations for the future. For example I could have said "It seems like you had some bad experiences with our past organizing work and your feeling upset and frustrated by those experiences. It also sounds like to me that you really want us to be doing more for the community and want to be a part of a group that takes action on the issues you care about". I could have checked in to see if that was all true, and taken time to affirm whatever his response was. I could have then said that I too have been frustrated with groups I have participated in, and at times I have even been frustrated with this group. I could have said that I too want to be a part of a group that takes action and work towards achieving justice and freedom for the community. I could have explained that I am hopeful about some of the new directions we are taking, and while it may not be fully what he is looking for, they were some positive steps towards making our community a better place.

I could have invited him to give us another chance and asked him to support us during this time of transition. I also could have asked that if he has challenges to our work, or believes that we are not doing our jobs well to definitely bring it up, but encourage him to bring it up in loving and respectful way. I also could have spent time listening more to the issues he felt were important that we work on and seeing if I could help him think of other groups that might be more able and/or interested in supporting him in taking on those issues.

I am not sure if any of that would have made a difference to him, but I think that it would have kept me in a more loving and open place which could have shifted all of his responses as well. I hope to see this person again and have another chance to listen.

Monsters

I recently attended a training on gender oppression that focused primarily on the issues of gender identity and gender expression. The presentation was great and gave me a lot to think about. To me the issue is super complex and I will continue to process it and forge ahead to make the world safe for everyone to be fully who they are and who they want to be, whatever that means to them.

What I am reflecting on the most right now was my reaction to the presenter and the way in which this person used some language to describe others that felt pretty humiliating and dehumanizing to me. The entire presentation rocked till about the last three slides of the PowerPoint training. This is when the presenter started calling people names such as this person is a "monster" this person is a "nut". There were other names that were said, but really it made me (and later I discovered others) really uncomfortable. I asked a friend if they felt if it was o.k. for me to talk to this person about their choice of language to describe people they disagreed with and they encouraged me to do so. I went up and told the person that I really enjoyed the presentation and that I had some feedback I would like to offer, especially since we wanted to bring this person back for additional trainings in the future. They responded affirmatively to me that they would love to hear the feedback so I went on to say how as an organization we operated from a nonviolent philosophy, which for us means non-humiliation of anyone. I went on to state that the last few slides in which they labeled people with names such as "monster" didn't fit with how we view people and asked that in the future to please refrain from using language like that to describe others. I continued with that as best as we can, we try to speak to the behavior while remembering that none of us are our worst behaviors.

This person responded pretty well by stating that they were sorry to offend us (if that is what happened) and that they could tailor the session for us in anyway we needed it to be. They then went on to say that they felt that what "these people" do is the equivalent of child abuse and so it's hard not to call them out. I said that I understand having anger at the actions they take in the world, and said that absolutely we must work to stop them from harming others. I said though that we believe that the only way we can do that is through relationship building and seeking solutions to our issues that do not create an "us vs them" mentality.

I went on to say that some of the people who were called monsters in the presentation are very similiar to my parents and other members of my family, in terms of beliefs. I continued to say that while some things they do are hurtful and harmful, they are far from monsters. I wasn't able to really dive into much more on the topic. I could tell this person was closed to me at some point. They commented that they didn't have hope that "these people" could change. What I wish I could have said is that often times that's not even the point of nonviolence, it's really about us not becoming bitter and angry and contributing more violence to an already out of control web of violence. I strongly believe that when we demonize others we continue the cycle of violence, becoming the very thing that we're speaking out against, only another form.

I think that if we can be at peace with those who are doing harm, even great injustices, and stay focused on speaking out against their actions, while still having compassion for them, then we will sustain ourselves in this long struggle for peace and justice in the world. I think then too, that if we do not have enemies, that our vision will be more appealing. If the people whose actions we are speaking out against, are constantly told that they are monsters, or evil, then I think we often times give them permission to remain separated from us, and from the results of their actions. Nonviolence, in our hearts, words, and deeds, invites others into community and cooperation.

At some point in the conversation this person said something along the lines of "well you are just more evolved then me". It wasn't said out of defensiveness, or to shut me down, I don't think. I do however think that comments like that take away our power while allowing us not to take responsibility for the seeds of violence we plant in our daily lives. In this case, that comment allows this person to justify violence against those who they feel are harming a community they care deeply about. It creates this exchange that in order for me to feel safe, I must make you unsafe, or encourage a climate that makes it unsafe for you to exist.

I firmly believe that when it comes to issues like oppression and justice, the weight of hate and of oppression is far to great a burden to bear to keep it up for to long. It makes us sick as individuals and as a culture. I fully embrace the idea and the practice that if we are as committed to love as others are to hate the world will be a different place. That means we all must love with all our hearts, even those who do us harm. Even if we don't think it'll make a difference on them, it will on us.