Freezing up with the F-BOMB

I was on my way to work this morning on the train and had to get up from seat at some point because a person next to me was coughing all over me (literally, I could see pieces of the cough projecting towards me). I got up and sat next to a group of what must have been middle school kids. They were being kids and were generally decent kids doing what kids do until I started hearing some of the guys start calling each other faggots. Someone, I am assuming their teacher, said something to them like "stop that now" with barely any conviction--like she had to do it but deep down she didn't really care (my assumption).

Usually in this situation I would get up and leave and be pissed about it. I didn't pause or center myself, I just blurted out something like "You're being ridiculous" to the kids--not really the most productive or nonviolent thing I could say. All day long I've thought about what I could have said and all sorts of things came up for me. I thought about who I was when I was that age and how being called that word would have crushed me (and often did). I thought about all the times I wanted to kill myself for hating who I was and for fearing how my family and my god would react if they knew who I was. I felt sorry for boys and for men in our culture who resort to shaming and humiliating each other and who are unable to connect to each other and the world around them in authentic ways. Most of all I felt angry that I was unable to say anything that allowed me to share the impact of their words on the people around them, for I know that if I wanted to stand up and say something then there were likely others sitting by (maybe even one of those boys) who were even more afraid, or who are silenced with the weight that word carries.

I hope that as I continue to study and practice that I can do better each time something like this happens, since it seems to happen a lot to me. I don't know if this is because I am just paying attention more, or if it's because I am wanting to learn nonviolence at a deep level and the Universe is giving me chances to practice. I thought later in the day that what I could have said was "Guys, I am not sure what that word means to you, or if you are saying it to humiliate each other or are just joking around, but I wanted to let you know that word is hurtful to many people including me it's not a funny thing to say, it's not right to say, and there is no need to degrade another person. There is too much hate, violence, and meanness in the world and you can do better, we all can, to stop it". I thought of other variations of that too. I go back and forth of how much to say, or what to say. I also thought of some shorter things like "What does that word mean to you" just to ask a question, or "When I heard you use that word I feel angry and upset because that word has been used to hurt many people I love and care about and I want a community where everyone is treated with kindness and respect" That last one is a tough one, because it's true, but I also know that most people (or I assume) would not care about how I feel. Sometimes though I think it's good to just say these things anyway, because just as they can drop their f-bombs and wage their violence, I can wage love and drop a love bomb all over them. :)

Communication without humiliation

I have studied and have used several different forms of nonviolent communication. I find it's useful to have several tools that I can pull from my "belt" when the need arises. I find it super challenging when in crises mode to use a "method" and in many cases resist many of the methods because I don't want to come across as disingenuous. However, I find that practicing them, reading them, and incorporating the essence of them is extremely helpful.

The main ones I have studied have been Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication and Sharon Ellison's Powerful Non-defensive Communication both of which provide pretty different styles, which I appreciate because I do not think one method works for all situations.

I recently came across this method from Pace e Bene which tries to synthesize both of these methods and I think their attempt works, although it isn't really easy to remember if you are in a conflict. I think it can be helpful to analyze past conflicts or to help you prepare for a difficult conversation beforehand.

Mostly I rely on something that Pema Chodron has written in her books before, which is to allow space before you react to something, allowing yourself to be taken out of habitual thinking/action which then allows room for something new, fresh, and surprising to emerge. It is no guarantee that it will work, but chances are if you are not in automatic pilot mode, you will be more conscious to say and do things that are more loving and humane.

I am reminded of a quote, the origins of which I do not recall that goes something like "violence is a failure of imagination" and the space we give between what someone says or does to us (or others) before we react allows room for imagination to spark new realities into being. At all times the object of conversation is to bring people together rather than to wedge them further a part. It also means being committed to thinking outside of the "win/lose" box of communicating with others. There doesn't have to be a loser or a winner.

My work place uses some helpful guidelines for our meetings which I think can be applied to any conversation and that I think distills the core tenants of nonviolence really well:

Say what you need to say without humiliating anyone
Use I statements and be nonjudgmental
Don't make assumptions, ask for clarification

Also closely connected to this is that if you do need to challenge someone and hold them accountable for something they have said or done, you do this remembering their sacredness and speak to the behavior, not the person, remembering none of us are our worst behaviors and that they are someone who is just having a bad moment/bad day.

Conflict can be such a transformative experience if we approach it in a way that invites authentic relationship building. Learning to peacefully work through conflict and to engage lovingly and with compassion through our speech with others can prevent outbreaks of "war" within ourselves and our community.

We can't avoid most conflicts in our life, but we can control how we react to them. Another really helpful book that speaks to this is one I recently read "Anatomy Of Peace" which has the central premise that you cannot work for peace with a heart at war, and gives concrete ways to work towards a peaceful heart to approach any situation, person, or conversation. I read it once and plan to re-read it several times.

Hope this is helpful!

Another Board Assignment

As a follow up to the conversation I had with our Board the other night I asked some follow up questions for self reflection (based on the first two article from Coleman McCarthy's Class on Nonviolence):

What are some ways in which I can begin to address the violence within me?

What are the ways the Board can support staff in addressing the many manifestations of violence (direct, cultural, and systemic)?

How does the broader and more inclusive definition of violence impact the way I understand my work with this organization)?

What tools do I need to incorporate nonviolence more fully into my personal and professional life?

What kind of internal work would I need to do to be willing to take on “voluntary redemptive suffering” for the causes I believe in?


The next set of articles I am asking them to read are: Nonviolent Response to Assault, Human Nature Isn’t Inherently Violent, and Axioms of Nonviolence all of which are listed in the previous link if you want to follow along.


I plan to have a more focused conversation next time using the following questions as a guide:

What are your typical responses when you feel threatened by others? How have they worked for you in the past?

How has violence worked in your life, and what have been the unintended consequences?

How has nonviolence worked?

How do you feel about the statement that humans are naturally violent? What does your experience teach you? Does it have to be this way?

What is justice? Are there ways to hold people accountable without resorting to an eye for eye justice? What would that look like?

I can't wait to hear from them what they think! How about you?

The things we do (or don't)

I was walking with a colleague of mine back to our office after we had just left our weekly check-in over coffee and tea. It was such a pleasant afternoon and we were soaking in the sun, slowly walking back to finish off our work day. As we came close to our office, we passed by this group of four guys and we both smiled at them, saying hi with our eyes and a wave. As we walked away one of them made a comment about my friend that was humiliating and sexist. I found the comment to be pretty offensive, and I could tell my friend was very uncomfortable by the exchange as well. I continued to walk with her to her office and as we walked I was unable to focus on anything else and I kept wondering if I should let it go, or go back and talk to the guy who made the comment.

I walked back in that direction and I knew several of the guys around him, some of them were drinking, and talking to him in front of the whole group that was intoxicated felt pretty unsafe to me. I didn't know what I was going to say yet and I had the "fight or flight" feeling in my gut so anything I said would come out as rambling anyway, so I went back inside to cool off and think, and get centered if I could.

Shortly after I went inside I noticed that all the guys were getting up and the guy who made the comment stayed back, it was then that I knew in my heart that I had to go out and say something to him, and so I did. I asked another male colleague of mine to support me and he stayed back as to not intimidate the guy as I approached him. I went up and asked him how we was doing and he apprehensively checked me out and said he was fine. I told him I wanted to talk to him and asked if he would sit down with me (I didn't want us standing as I intuitively felt that would be a mistake and lead to aggression) he agreed to sit down. I asked a few more questions to put him at ease (and myself) and then got to the point. I said a few minutes ago a friend and I walked by and you made some comments about her that made both of us feel uncomfortable. I know you probably did not mean to hurt her, and in fact you probably thought you were paying her a compliment, but for many people it makes them feel unsafe to be objectified like that. If you are hanging out here (or anywhere really) and want to be nice, just smile and say hi to people, and that is a pretty safe and friendly thing to do that allows everyone to be respected and feel valued. He apologized and said he would not do it again. We shook hands and he kept on apologizing for his actions. I felt pretty good about the exchange. It felt like I was able to to connect to his humanness and he seemed to really understand me and where I was coming from. It felt like a real and loving interaction where neither one of us attacked each other nor humiliated each other.

I learned a lot about myself (as I always do when I interrupt violence) and this was one of the first times I didn't walk away feeling bad, or questioning what I said (second guessing). It did prompt me to consider why I chose to say something this time and yet many times I let violence such as sexism go unchecked. For example several weeks ago I was on the train and I over heard a conversation between a group of guys in which the whole time they were demeaning women with very humiliating names and expressions. I didn't say anything because I felt unsafe, but because I didn't say anything I felt disempowered and allowed their hurtful behavior to go unchallenged (not to mention I basically gave my consent to allow every one else on the train to be exposed to their violence).

I also remember two months ago two older guys were harassing a younger gay guy, and eventually began making comments about me as well and rather than address the issue and confront them, I walked up and sat elsewhere, feeling bad that I didn't say anything. This sort of thing happens all the time to me, how about you?

My new rule is that if I know I am going to feel bad about it later then I must speak up in some way and not let the violence go unchecked. I have faith that if I can speak to the behavior and not the person and speak truth with love, then I can create peace and help to end the violence occurring around me, without allowing myself to participate in it by doing nothing (silence = consent). The more of us that stand up to this and all forms of violence the less acceptable it will be for people to treat others as objects rather than as people.

Anyone have an experience like this in which you knew you should say something but didn't, or did you speak up? Either way, what was the result?

Love to you!

Questions asked

Tonight I continued an ongoing dialogue with the Board members of the organization I work for. Last month the Executive Director gave them a set of questions to answer to engage with one another in conversation. The questions were:


1) How important is nonviolence in our work as an organization?

2) How does that level of importance get expressed (in what ways – specific and general)?

3) How do you personally learn nonviolence?

4) How does it motivate and effect your decisions and actions here at our organization?

5) What are the most important ways that the board must use nonviolence?

6) What would happen if this did not happen?

I only had fifteen minutes to facilitate the discussion and was only able to get through the first question! I knew that was going to happen, but I understand that we have plenty of time over the course of the next year to address the questions more fully together. I am glad that they are committed to having this conversation and making it a regular part of the Board meetings (they are giving me 15 minutes each meeting and they have committed to reading articles in between meetings to help deepen the conversation). The reading assignment for this meeting was the first two articles from Coleman McCarthy's Class on Nonviolence (the University one), the articles are "Nonviolence as a Way of Life, by Robert McGlasson and "If We Listen Well", by Edward Guinan.

The group was challenged but also encouraged by the broad definition of violence presented by the two articles. Many felt that the work we do at our organization is in alignment with addressing the all the forms of violence discussed by the authors. Some felt that we need to spend more time addressing the violence within (such as that mentioned by Robert McGlasson, and that work can feel pretty challenging and a little scary, although all of us agreed that our community organizing work will be more powerful and authentic if we address the violence within us first (or at least simultaneously).

I asked the group if any of them have had the experience of being a part of a group (even ours) where the group has resorted to demonizing the opponent, or has had the intention of a nonviolent action, but still harbored hate and resentment towards the people they were trying to change. Many responded back that yes they have had that experience. Someone gave a great example of an organization that had tremendous threat power because they could put a lot of people power to organize rallies, demonstrations, and actions that held public officials accountable. This person said that often times the actions this group took were not physically violent but the rhetoric was not peaceful, kind, or just. The person reflected on his experiences of the group and stated that the actions that got them the furthest were their relationship building meetings (in which they did their homework and research) and were able to convince the decision makers through cooperation to advance their agenda. We didn't get a chance to go over if the meetings were successful because of their threat power or not, but it was good to hear of a group that tried both tactics, and to learn which methods seemed to work more for them. In his book "A Search For A Nonviolent Future" Michael Nagler discusses in great detail the ways in which violence sometimes "works" and almost always doesn't work and how nonviolence sometimes "works" and always works. I briefly mentioned that concept to the group and gave them all an invitation to our nonviolence study group which will be meeting for 9 weeks starting in May to discuss that book! I will share more about that soon!

Someone brought up that they felt that as they understand violence more, and at a deeper level, it can be overwhelming to decide when and how to respond, because as they put it, they feel like they can be responding to it all the time. Then the issue becomes, what do I say, how do I say it, do I even go there, etc. We all acknowledged that the work can be hard and that as we grow in our understanding of nonviolence, how each of us addresses it in our daily life will largely depend on how willing we are to do what the articles suggest, which is accepting the voluntary redemptive suffering that comes from challenging oppression and violence.

We didn't get a chance to talk about voluntary suffering other than it was a new concept to many. As I understand it this is the path of interrupting violence rather than the typical fight, or flight response we have to conflict. An example for our organization would be taking a public stand on a controversial issue, knowing that we could lose major donors, and doing it anyway because it's the right thing to do rather than choosing to remain silent to avoid losing that money, or causing conflict. Another example that came up is that sometimes we support actions that cause us to break the law (civil disobedience) which can lead to voluntary suffering (going to jail,paying a fine). It could also be lovingly confronting someone who has said something racist or classist and knowing that we could be verbally attacked by them (or worse), and that rather than "fighting" back at them we instead seek reconciliation with them, no matter what they do to us--affirming their humanity as we challenge their behavior.


We also briefly talked about the challenge whether we are working to address violence within ourselves, or with others, how hard it is to be at peace in our hearts and still lovingly challenge others (truth in love). Often times we say nothing (which harms us and the other as it allows them to continue to create the very violence we speak out against and leaves someone else responsible for addressing it) or we say something/do something that escalates it (because we address the person as an object rather than a person, and we in some way humiliate or attack them rather than name the behavior). It was then that the conversation ended much too briefly (and I went five minutes over the time I was allotted!) I ended up leaving them with this handout from Turning The Tide, which I encouraged them to look over. I feel it gives a tool to address what I feel is the root of a lot of violence--"Us vs. Them" mentality.

I hope that some of you can read through these handouts and let me know what you think! Also, answer the questions I gave to my Board--applying it to your life/work situations see what you come up with!

The Beginning

For the last eleven years I have been committed to the practice and study of nonviolence. This journey has required much humbleness and compassion as I have had to unlearn (and continue to unlearn) the violence that I have held in my heart, mind, body, and spirit towards myself and others. I firmly believe that all of us, to varying degrees, are enrolled in the study and practice of violence from the time we are born. I believe that throughout our life we are taught and encouraged to engage in violence towards ourselves and others.

It is a difficult realization to come to terms with, and embrace with full acceptance, the ways in which we have allowed violence to penetrate our very being and essence, but it is through this very acceptance that the shackles of violence are broken open and we can be free to make other choices--choices that honor and embrace life, rather than ones that destroy and demean others and the world around us.

Nonviolence as I have come to understand it is the commitment to, and deep honoring of life in all of its forms and manifestations. It is both a philosophy and a way of being. Nonviolence is not only about not causing or creating violence, but also a commitment to actively not cooperate with anything violent or harmful to anyone or anything else (nature, other sentient beings, etc). It is not only about noncooperation but also about seeking creative and peaceful solutions to the interpersonal "wars" unleashed between friends, lovers, families, and communities as well as the conflicts between nations. It is a path in which love is an active force requiring the practitioner to wage it as fully and with as much courage (if not more) than those who are committed to hate and proliferation of violence. It is not passive, waiting for the next conflict or simply resisting evil, but is seeking ways to support and encourage cooperation, liberation, generosity, care, and joy.

In order to set the tone for this blog fully I think it would be helpful to understand how I define violence so that as I document my journey in both ending the violence within me and in the world around me, everyone who shares this journey with me can understand what I mean by violence and therefore more deeply understand what I mean by nonviolence. To me it's easiest to define violence by breaking it up along three different but interconnected categories: Structural, Cultural, and Interpersonal (direct). There is a great handout of this at Turning The Tide

My understanding is that violence manifests and creates a complex web that sticks all of us, leaving us trapped as prey, struggling for survival in a hopeless fight against one another, and ourselves. It's hard to say which strand of the web is created first, and therefore all strands of the web need to be addressed simultaneously as they reinforce each other.

I'll begin with interpersonal as it is one that many of us are most familiar with. Interpersonal, or direct violence can be anything that humiliates, harms, or dehumanizes ourselves or others (including the world around us). Things such as verbal and physical fighting (as well as the seeds of violence within our hearts and minds that precipitate the outbursts of such aggressions that we water daily and feed incessantly). These outbursts can include, but not exclusively: rape, stealing, jealousy, rage, gossip, name calling, all of the isms we harbor towards others such as sexism, racism, etc., anything that allows us to see people as objects rather than as people, anything that strips away the humanity of another so that we can subjugate them and gain power over them to get something we want, or that we think we need, to make ourselves feel "safe" or to "get by" in the world. The hate and aggression here runs deep and this is a difficult topic to explore, for many who think they are being nonviolent often times think that it is action only, but if we consider that actions begin in the heart and mind, if our heart is at war even if our actions are peaceful, there is still war, and inherent in that, peace is not true peace. A great example of this is a group of activists who are planning a nonviolent protest but who continue to view the group they are protesting as "less than" with hatred and animosity in their hearts. You cannot promote peace while simultaneously harboring hate and resentment towards others. Another example would be withholding information from someone that could potentially help them but because they have done "harm" to you in the past you still harbor resentment towards them and while not directly "attacking" them your choice to not help them even though you could would still be an act of direct violence. This form of violence includes the things we do, the things we say, and the ways in which we do the things we do and say (the energy and thought forms behind it).

Cultural violence is the violence that reinforces and supports the ideas and messages that we receive and are educated about and instilled with about violence. It is the media machine that reports 24 hours a day the ways in which violence "works" while rarely if ever shows the ways in which nonviolence or love in action can and do work. It is the common "wisdom" that says "boys will be boys" to justify sexism, harassment, homophobia, and fighting. It is the constant reinforcement reflected in our history books that glorifies wars while ignoring successful nonviolent resistances that have liberated peoples all over the world. It is the labeling of soldiers and others who bear arms as heroes while those who seek peaceful solutions to both prevent and end conflict are often trivialized or villainized. It is the message that violence is the only answer to solve our problems and all other options are weak, a waste of time, and will never work.

Structural violence is the systemic forms of institutional isms (racism etc)and practices such as slavery, apartheid, and our criminal justice system. It is the ways in which certain laws are passed to target specific people (such as sit/lie ordinances that unfairly target poor people/un-housed people) It is hunger, poverty, homelessness, war and all the policies that uphold and support these practices. It is the fact that in this country we spend more on killing people for war than we do to educate our children. We have more money for bombs then we do for affordable housing. It is also the systemic degradation of the natural world in exchange for economic gain. It's the policies of corporations that put profits over people and an economic system that benefits very few but that enslaves (often times with consent) everyone else under the promise that they too might someday attain prosperity.

There is much to unlearn and much to learn on the path towards liberation. Each day it can be so easy to get caught up in the web of violence, stuck in the habits of war and oppression of self and others. There are tools that can free us and many who have lived these tools well. I hope to be able to share with you all the ways in which they have worked for me as well as my struggles in implementing them too. I want to stress again that it's hard to separate these forms of violence as they work so well together, but many times the ways in which I talk about them may be to emphasize one, rather than all three and that is not to create a hierarchy of one being more important, but rather all of them require diligent effort, and work on one addresses all the others.

While this analysis is not complete I do believe it is comprehensive enough to set the tone for our shared journey together. I hope to share my experience with my studies, workshops, work, and all other aspects of my life in which I try as best as I can to wage love and live peacefully.

I am excited to share this with you and I hope that some of you (or all of you) will join with me as I share what I am reading, practicing, and living.

In Love,

Michael