Communication without humiliation

I have studied and have used several different forms of nonviolent communication. I find it's useful to have several tools that I can pull from my "belt" when the need arises. I find it super challenging when in crises mode to use a "method" and in many cases resist many of the methods because I don't want to come across as disingenuous. However, I find that practicing them, reading them, and incorporating the essence of them is extremely helpful.

The main ones I have studied have been Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication and Sharon Ellison's Powerful Non-defensive Communication both of which provide pretty different styles, which I appreciate because I do not think one method works for all situations.

I recently came across this method from Pace e Bene which tries to synthesize both of these methods and I think their attempt works, although it isn't really easy to remember if you are in a conflict. I think it can be helpful to analyze past conflicts or to help you prepare for a difficult conversation beforehand.

Mostly I rely on something that Pema Chodron has written in her books before, which is to allow space before you react to something, allowing yourself to be taken out of habitual thinking/action which then allows room for something new, fresh, and surprising to emerge. It is no guarantee that it will work, but chances are if you are not in automatic pilot mode, you will be more conscious to say and do things that are more loving and humane.

I am reminded of a quote, the origins of which I do not recall that goes something like "violence is a failure of imagination" and the space we give between what someone says or does to us (or others) before we react allows room for imagination to spark new realities into being. At all times the object of conversation is to bring people together rather than to wedge them further a part. It also means being committed to thinking outside of the "win/lose" box of communicating with others. There doesn't have to be a loser or a winner.

My work place uses some helpful guidelines for our meetings which I think can be applied to any conversation and that I think distills the core tenants of nonviolence really well:

Say what you need to say without humiliating anyone
Use I statements and be nonjudgmental
Don't make assumptions, ask for clarification

Also closely connected to this is that if you do need to challenge someone and hold them accountable for something they have said or done, you do this remembering their sacredness and speak to the behavior, not the person, remembering none of us are our worst behaviors and that they are someone who is just having a bad moment/bad day.

Conflict can be such a transformative experience if we approach it in a way that invites authentic relationship building. Learning to peacefully work through conflict and to engage lovingly and with compassion through our speech with others can prevent outbreaks of "war" within ourselves and our community.

We can't avoid most conflicts in our life, but we can control how we react to them. Another really helpful book that speaks to this is one I recently read "Anatomy Of Peace" which has the central premise that you cannot work for peace with a heart at war, and gives concrete ways to work towards a peaceful heart to approach any situation, person, or conversation. I read it once and plan to re-read it several times.

Hope this is helpful!