The things we do (or don't)

I was walking with a colleague of mine back to our office after we had just left our weekly check-in over coffee and tea. It was such a pleasant afternoon and we were soaking in the sun, slowly walking back to finish off our work day. As we came close to our office, we passed by this group of four guys and we both smiled at them, saying hi with our eyes and a wave. As we walked away one of them made a comment about my friend that was humiliating and sexist. I found the comment to be pretty offensive, and I could tell my friend was very uncomfortable by the exchange as well. I continued to walk with her to her office and as we walked I was unable to focus on anything else and I kept wondering if I should let it go, or go back and talk to the guy who made the comment.

I walked back in that direction and I knew several of the guys around him, some of them were drinking, and talking to him in front of the whole group that was intoxicated felt pretty unsafe to me. I didn't know what I was going to say yet and I had the "fight or flight" feeling in my gut so anything I said would come out as rambling anyway, so I went back inside to cool off and think, and get centered if I could.

Shortly after I went inside I noticed that all the guys were getting up and the guy who made the comment stayed back, it was then that I knew in my heart that I had to go out and say something to him, and so I did. I asked another male colleague of mine to support me and he stayed back as to not intimidate the guy as I approached him. I went up and asked him how we was doing and he apprehensively checked me out and said he was fine. I told him I wanted to talk to him and asked if he would sit down with me (I didn't want us standing as I intuitively felt that would be a mistake and lead to aggression) he agreed to sit down. I asked a few more questions to put him at ease (and myself) and then got to the point. I said a few minutes ago a friend and I walked by and you made some comments about her that made both of us feel uncomfortable. I know you probably did not mean to hurt her, and in fact you probably thought you were paying her a compliment, but for many people it makes them feel unsafe to be objectified like that. If you are hanging out here (or anywhere really) and want to be nice, just smile and say hi to people, and that is a pretty safe and friendly thing to do that allows everyone to be respected and feel valued. He apologized and said he would not do it again. We shook hands and he kept on apologizing for his actions. I felt pretty good about the exchange. It felt like I was able to to connect to his humanness and he seemed to really understand me and where I was coming from. It felt like a real and loving interaction where neither one of us attacked each other nor humiliated each other.

I learned a lot about myself (as I always do when I interrupt violence) and this was one of the first times I didn't walk away feeling bad, or questioning what I said (second guessing). It did prompt me to consider why I chose to say something this time and yet many times I let violence such as sexism go unchecked. For example several weeks ago I was on the train and I over heard a conversation between a group of guys in which the whole time they were demeaning women with very humiliating names and expressions. I didn't say anything because I felt unsafe, but because I didn't say anything I felt disempowered and allowed their hurtful behavior to go unchallenged (not to mention I basically gave my consent to allow every one else on the train to be exposed to their violence).

I also remember two months ago two older guys were harassing a younger gay guy, and eventually began making comments about me as well and rather than address the issue and confront them, I walked up and sat elsewhere, feeling bad that I didn't say anything. This sort of thing happens all the time to me, how about you?

My new rule is that if I know I am going to feel bad about it later then I must speak up in some way and not let the violence go unchecked. I have faith that if I can speak to the behavior and not the person and speak truth with love, then I can create peace and help to end the violence occurring around me, without allowing myself to participate in it by doing nothing (silence = consent). The more of us that stand up to this and all forms of violence the less acceptable it will be for people to treat others as objects rather than as people.

Anyone have an experience like this in which you knew you should say something but didn't, or did you speak up? Either way, what was the result?

Love to you!